


Peripheral

by oceansapart



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 15:19:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4024846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceansapart/pseuds/oceansapart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the little moments that happened between them played with the boundaries of the limits they have created, to a point of erasing them.</p><p>[Or 5 stages of grief and what happens afterwards]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peripheral

 

 

 

 

 

Everything that happened between them did around the limits of the boundaries they have created. The little moments were the ones that shifted their shared stable ground.

The routine, filled with loyalty and words that spoke what touches couldn’t the one that kept them apart.

One moment was all it took to eventually break how they toyed with that imaginary line.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_[Denial]_

 

She keeps repeating in her head what Rachel asked her, why she hasn’t ever said yes to one of the many marriage proposals she’s received. Donna claims to have never been in love, not like Rachel is, or her Mum was when she decided to marry her dad. (The second time he asked)

Rachel didn’t ask if it was because of Harvey, like everyone who really knows her knows when not to press her. Not like Louis did during the mock trial. But of course she knows the answer; she wasn’t in love with him back then. She doesn’t really know if she’s in love with him now. She’s sure there’s something more than a strictly working relationship; she loves him, not as a brother. She knows that now, and no, she’s not planning on turning into a Lannister any time soon. But is she in love with him?

 

 

 

“Donna” the greeting is curt, almost like he’s forced to acknowledge her

“Harvey” she’s definitely not in love with him. Angry, sad, disappointed? Maybe, but no, not in love. He doesn’t deserve everything she did for him if he dares to be mad, if he can’t even try to understand why she left him.

(She needs space to understand what their relationship means, to make sense of love declarations that doesn’t mean I want to be with you.)

 

 

 

Jessica is trying to grasp what happened between them but he is stubbornly quiet. And she has had enough of having to run a high school rather than a law firm.

“Fine, don’t talk, but focus, and stop messing with work, if you need time off, take a trip”She doesn’t even wait for him to reply and walks away passing by Donna’s desk, he watches her go, noticing how empty it still is, but he doesn’t need the visual reminder. If he’s honest with himself, the quietness that follows him everywhere is proof enough he’s alone now.

He finally calls human resources. “Yes…Yes and yes… no, no temp, ok… perfect, goodbye”

 

 

 

 

 

 

_[Anger]_

 

He told her she needed her as his secretary. She said we should never speak about what happened again, and went with it, with him. She brought up the other time more than once through their years together; she never really got a reaction out of him.

(She hates herself for waiting something different this time.)

 

 

He asked her numerous times if some of the advice she would give him was about herself, about them. He never really got an answer. When he comes to think about this is what it bothers him the most, he believes she left because when she cornered him about something he couldn’t answer, he still doesn’t.

He gives her space, quieting the voice in his head that sounds a lot like her throwing around words like fight for her and hope.

(He takes it out on the boxing ring instead of talking to her.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

_[Bargaining]_

 

For him, it happens on a Sunday morning.

He’s not going to the office lately unless a case calls for it, and is having breakfast on a café. The newspaper looks like a word soup he doesn’t even have the energy to decipher, when he sees a flash of red hair follow by a bubbly laugh. Is not her, but he realizes he misses her, he doesn’t just need her.

Maybe if he would have told her something she wouldn’t have left. _I don’t know what love is, I don’t do feelings, but I do love you and you’re the most important person in my life, pity doesn’t have anything to do with this._ But maybe, he needs to go back to way before the line was drawn, when they were barely adults, when he could have talked with his dad about her. There’s a reason why he hadn’t, his dad was a dreamer, and he’s a practical man.

(Even if none of his life decisions seem practical in that moment.)

 

 

He ends up going to the office to occupy his mind on other things.

She’s there, Louis is there, and no one else. He’s tempted to call Mike, but he presumes is time to stop denying what both of them have been ignoring for more than a decade (It takes two to tango).

He walks by Louis office and greats them. Donna is busy reading a paper, her hair cascading and hiding her face from him, but the remnants of her surprise are there when she looks at him. He offers to make some coffee, and he would love to have a camera and save the look on Louis’s face to show it to Jessica later.

“I just made some” Her eyes expose how tired she is.

“Fantastic, I’ll grab some” _Fantastic? He’s trying too hard; he knows he sounds out of character._ “Do you need some help with this?” He asks Louis, and now he knows he’s completely over the top because Donna is looking at him inquiringly; Louis like he has grown another head.

The shock seems to pass, after all they’re named partner, both of them. “Actually yes Harvey” Louis addresses his experience with this type of lawsuit and the client, and Donna can’t stop the proud smile that’s bursting on her face.

As soon as she’s out of the room, Louis walks from his sit to the window, he can’t help what he’s about to ask, but since she became his secretary the idea of them, Harvey and Donna works as a heavy load that follows everywhere. He can’t be Harvey, that’s his biggest problem since they started working at the firm.

“Are you trying to get her back?” He drops the frame he was holding and turns around.

“No, this is not about her” He thinks about what he just said “not like that Louis, I’m trying to stop being an ass” He drops the pen that was helping him read through the document to look at him.

“Can I hug you?” his grin functions as the grateful wavering tale of a dog when you come home. He gets what Donna has told him so many times about his relationship with Louis.

“Don’t push your luck Litt” His sight returns to the document and he puts his feet up on the coffee table.

 

Soon enough a soft pop pulls him out of his reading. She leaves the coffee cup besides him and sits by his side, not uttering a word and returning to her own documents. He can’t help but smile at the comfort that gesture makes him feel.

He seems to realize that a lot of water has passed under the bridge since he told Mike he didn’t do feelings.

(It’s all because of her.)

 

 

 

For her it happens on a Thursday evening.

Donna is about to go home when she hears the front desk girls talking about Dana Scott returning, one of them even complaining about missing her chance with the hot managing partner. The other one laughs rebukingly and Donna tries her best not to scoff at them. She hides behind other people and waits too long to come out of the elevator. She goes up again. And down again.

Her whole roller-coaster ride on the elevator makes her ponder about what ifs she has long ago buried together with memories of a one night thing and a partnership that lasted a lot longer than that.

Her quitting has opened a Pandora box in her head she’s not sure she was ready to address but obliged to because of ignoring what was below the surface of that line she draw so carefully.

 

 

Sooner or later Scottie runs into Donna. Literally, Donna is walking backwards while telling Louis he owes her when she turns around and bumps into her. The woman, known for always going straight to the point greets her telling her about her surprise when she wasn’t on her usual desk.

“Things change” Donna holds the file she had in her hand close to her chest.

“Everything?” Scottie’s smile is sad.

“No, not everything” her own smile mirroring Dana’s.

“Take care Donna, and good luck” She wants to cry because of the sincerity in her words, and because probably Dana can tell how she feels.

(She has hide behind the carefree, happy character she created for herself for so long, of course it would be because of him her walls start to crumble away.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

_[Depression]_

 

"Harvey!” Mike almost screams.

“I’m sorry, what were you saying?” He keeps staring at the view of New York pensively and Mike drops some folders on his desk and goes away.

There’s no point on talking to him when he’s like this, a recurrent mood of his boss during the past weeks.

(But Harvey doesn't know how to get up of bed anymore, doing everything mechanically)

 

 

She hasn’t done the ice cream and romantic movies marathon since she was in college and she thought her heart was broken for the first time. The loneliness and quietness of her apartment, oddly brings some peace to her mind.

(She's not ready to face the world and explain why she can't seem to make her smile reach her eyes anymore)

 

 

 

 

“I miss you” He says it quietly, drinks the last of his scotch in one gulp. He’s not looking at her, afraid of what her reaction might be.

“I miss you too” and her hand on his shoulder lasts too briefly to be a comforting touch.

He hears her heels touch the ground, still not looking at her. He’s left alone at the bar sitting on the stool she found him, he’s so tired of the isolation he made himself be in.

The next time he sees her she’s dancing with some guy he doesn’t know. She gestures him to ask Rachel to dance, and he smiles because at least Donna bossing him around is closer to what they used to be.

In time they end up dancing together, one of his hands intertwined with hers, the other on her naked back. She hasn’t been this close to him in a long time, too long he thinks. In that moment forgetting why he has denied them the contentment attached to their closeness. She arranges his collar with one hand, finally looking at each other when the song ends.

Her retreating form, her bare back and the dress hugging her figure perfectly, the electricity in the fingers that caressed her skin remind him why he ignore part of her for so many years.

(He couldn’t bear to lose her. He did either way.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

_[Acceptance]_

 

She undresses the night of the party, feeling his fingers like ghosts in her skin. She goes straight to her room, avoiding looking at her couch. Avoiding memories she hasn’t been able to, during the whole night.

(She’s in love with him; that thought is another one she can’t avoid.)

 

 

 

 

He starts avoiding her again, functioning like he did when she was sitting on his front desk, Mike almost seems happy when he barks some order to him followed by a “now get out”.

 

He goes out by himself, the waitress hinting the time that she gets out. It’s inevitable he couldn’t care less. The only schedule he wants to know is Donna’s. He understands that this is what love means, utter loyalty, an assorted recipe they got it nailed since they started working together. Companionship, honesty, need mixed with want, the other happiness above one’s own. Maybe she’s happy without him, finally at peace. Louis is a good boss, and whoever is lucky enough to have her might deserve her.

(Not him, someone who didn’t know what love was until it was too late.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Harvey I’m your mother” The woman is swallowing up tears.

“I know” he’s tempted to kick her out but keeps staring at her.

“I didn’t deserve him”

“I know” He wants to scream at her, but he doesn't, he wants to be better too. He's trying.

 

“Harvey” Donna makes a grand entrance with her usual demeanor “Here are the files you asked for, and Dr. Obst is waiting for you in conference room 2” She doesn’t look at him, menacing portmanteau directed to his mother. The woman gets the message, stands up and kisses him on the forehead.

“Will you call me kid?”

He shakes his head “I will mom” he stands up and accompanies her to the door.

Donna hasn’t moved and he has miscalculated how close his move would make them be. Their hands almost touching.

“Are you ok?” Her eyes searching answers on his.

He takes her hand, squeezes it. Doesn’t need to ask how she knew, she just does. “I made peace with her, with the past”

She looks at him with awe, still hasn’t move an inch, squeezes his hand back, and her fingers linger when she untangles it.

“Donna? Thank you” She smiles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He calls her that night, not wanting to be alone, needing to talk to someone. She doesn’t answer and maybe it is better this way, it would have sounded like he needed anyone by his side when in reality he wanted her.

 

 

 

He’s watering her cactus when his phone vibrates. There’s a notification of a text message asking if he’s home. He texts her back, immediately there’s a knock on his door.

“I was in the neighborhood” She comes in, and takes in the small watering can besides the cactus, the opened wine bottle and soft music. He closes the door, and while she’s analyzing his apartment he’s mesmerized by her dress, blue and green are her colors, the ones that make her look powerful and soft at the time, but this burgundy dress perfectly aligned with her curves, brings out her hair, giving her a powerful mystery allure.

He loves her in it but his mind betrays him and wonders if her underwear is color matched with it.

“Were you on a date?” She turns around, her jaw clenching, he knows it’s her defense mechanism kicking in, she was. He knows she thinks what he will say, you didn’t need to come to check on me, and an endless list of excuses because now that she’s here he doesn’t know how to put thoughts into words. “I’m glad you came”

She grabs a glass and pours herself some wine. “So, your mum…?”

“My therapist said I should let some parts of my past go” he plays with the rim of his glass.

“Like me?” He’s grateful she has let the therapist comment past, even more for her assertiveness.

“Never you” she tilts her head to a side, her hands grasping his counter. “And even if she hinted it, since when do I do what I’m told unless I believe it too?”

He tries to lighten the mood, drinks some wine.

“Why?” This is it he thinks, his last chance and he needs to be closer to her to answer. “You have asked that not long ago” He leaves his cup of wine on the counter and walks towards her, he notices she hasn’t touched hers and her hands are grasping the marble. She’s holding on to it for whatever his answer might be.

“The answer is the same Donna”

She turns around to look at him, following his steps, he’s being slow deliberately. “Why did you call me Harvey… why me?”

Her words deliberately sharp, are to him what his movements to her, a game of hunter and prey.

“Because there’s no one else Donna”

Her smile is cynical, somehow that wasn’t the answer she was expecting or maybe it was, and he hates they have become this. He’s by her side, grabs her wrist before she has time to bolt. She looks down and up at him, warningly. He’s a lawyer; he could make up sentences that would convince anyone about whatever he wants them to believe. But not with Donna, never with her, she always saw past his excuses and lies.

(Except about their true feelings)

“I’m in love with you” He blurts it out quietly, while pulling her to him. She glances at his eyes, searching for the truth in his declaration. Afraid he might be saying what he thinks she wants to hear.

(Even if she does)

He tilts his head to his right, their chests brushing against each other, his fingers pressing her hips. She closes her eyes and swallows hard. For a moment he feels like maybe she doesn’t want this, but her mouth is soon claiming his, her hands travelling from his face to his chest.

With their heads spinning they barely make it to his couch. He unzips his dress, and lays her down, taking his time, unlike moments ago when it seems they couldn’t get enough of each other. He runs his hands along her side. Her burgundy underwear making him smile, comprehending this is Donna.

He’s memorizing her naked body while she fumbles with his belt and pants. He kisses her everywhere, she loses track of his mouth when he slips two fingers inside her, her back arching. Regaining consciousness when his mouth attacks her neck, a spot he clearly remembers from the other time, just below her ear.

She curses him then; he smirks, knowing he’s doing a good job and pushes his luck.

“The great Donna Paulsen lost for words” he whispers and glimpses at her smiling face.

His mouth moves to her collarbone, his hands going back to her sides and her breasts, touching her with such intensity she shuts her eyes again, pleasure taking over her brain. But she’s known to be able to multitask, while memorizing the way his touches feel, she turns them around, her straddling him in one swift motion, making him lose his mind when she moves against him.

“Are words necessary right now?” she asks mischievously, while her hands move down his torso. He's the one moaning intelligible swear words now. He moves so that he’s sitting and can look at her eye level. “Touché” she half whispers half gasps when he’s pushing him inside of her, and starts rocking in sync, a strange mix of gentleness and roughness setting their pace.

Moving together, he whispers how beautiful she is, and she kisses him instead of saying something sappy and because she hasn’t been able to think coherently since he told her he’s in love with her. They let go, falling apart on his couch. He kisses the top of her head, a gesture so uncanny that it makes her look up. She wants to memorize the look he’s giving her too, a long list of reasons of why this night can't compare to others. Not because this is better than the other time, or other times with other guys. But maybe she wanted to be looked at like this. With so many emotions in her partner's eyes she can't identify all of them. This is Harvey, understanding this makes her giddy.

“I’m too old to sleep on a couch” She laughs wholeheartedly at his comment, the normalcy and serenity of this moment that was delayed enough to hold back anything anymore.

She brings him up with her, moving to the bedroom; finally telling him, after so many years of just showing it, how much she loves him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The line disappeared long after it was blurred by declarations that weren’t promises. Ground shifting when they finally stopped hiding, when possibilities of a future were addressed.

When it was obvious for both of them, and nothing else was left but to accept they're better together.

 

 


End file.
